While making our moves to the bedroom, thoughts about desires and expectations start running through our heads. You know how it goes, kissing quickly moves to the wondering of the hands – and you start to think,‘Damn, not too close to the fat rolls around my waist. Umm, are we moving too quickly? Oh shoot, my hands are clammy, I knew I should have worn the black lace underwear or the space of long term relationships going through the sequence we have seen many times before. ’We’ve all been there, the desire to be good enough, fear of not doing it right, dishes need to be done or quick I need to get some sleep,  this internal chatter continues.

Every one of us knows what it’s like to be in distracting thought when getting intimate. We all have preconceived ideas about what it should look like, how it should be done, if its the right way, expectations about performance, all usually triggered by our own past experiences, beliefs and expectations. Whether its the limited conditioning around sex that has been passed down through our DNA or things we read in magazines, we all have limiting beliefs that restrict us from experiencing this very natural human experience in all its beauty.

Experiencing our intimate life completely is a practice. You see, we are so conditioned to think in our daily life that we have forgotten how to feel. We are so consumed by our thoughts that we are ignorant to the conversations our body is trying to have with us. Of course we are always connected to our body, however we haven’t been conscious of its conversations.

I had always perceived my intimate life as one that was ‘normal’ – sex a couple of times a week, I enjoyed the experience, I had fun in the process, and I looked forward to more of it and felt I was adventurous in my exploration. However, it wasn’t until I started to practice being present to my body, that my intimate life transformed to a world beyond the one I knew.

I had no idea how disconnected from my body I really was. On reflection, I could see that I was always thinking about what I should be doing next – ‘is he enjoying this? I should have done the washing. Should I move my body this way?’ Too often I would be thinking about where I was going and what I had to do to get there.  Our personal experience of intimacy is often dictated by our personal experiences, families values and societies perceptions and beliefs of what is good and bad, right, wrong and acceptable. These attach fears expectations and reactions which restrict us from being with the experience of perceiving all that we are in those moments.

Becoming connected to my body and its conversations exposed my vulnerabilities, fears and more of myself to me. It exposed physical, emotional contractions held within the physical,  that I didn’t’ even know existed. My personal history of abuse was still very stuck in this body of mine and I would react according to that. My ancestors beliefs of sexuality being wrong, built by shame, guilt and silence. These were unconscious reactions and ones that I didn’t even know until opening up to my sensory body, moment by moment.  This space of growth took place when I practiced presence in day to day living and the practice, transcending my intimate life, where freedom of expression, authentic behaviours and personal fulfilment are now my experience.

This is about getting to know the conversation that is happening for each of us on the inside. To start to be conscious of the self, completely, opens us to being aware of what we hold truthful to ourselves. This exposes an integration of all that we are and decisions and behaviours are respectful to the self in turn to the other. Too often we are making decisions based on expectations, desires, pictures of the future or reacting based on our experiences from our past.

When we practice presence in our daily life, we can then transfer it to our intimate life. We are then no longer present to our thoughts, we are present to the moment and there are no two moments that are the same. This is where our intuition, truth and full expression can come to life. This expression allows the complete self to shine beyond the extra kilo around the waist, our preconceived ideas of what the bedroom scene should look like, how fast we should move, or how we think it should feel.

This practice of presence is just that, a practice of awareness. To learn to play an instrument takes time and to become aware of our sensory body is no different. Being curious to be curious about presence without a destination might just expose a holiday you could never of dreamed of where the experience of all that we are can be exposed.